


Hetatexts

by Mine_own_yeeteth



Category: Hetalia - Fandom, Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Everyone Is Gay, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Pure Trash™️, Sassy Canada (Hetalia), This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, don't we all lmao, england wants sum death, here come dat tulip tentacle porn, i just wanted a reason to have them all roast each other, lots of swearing, or partially gay, some form of gay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2019-02-22
Packaged: 2019-04-27 15:15:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14428299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mine_own_yeeteth/pseuds/Mine_own_yeeteth
Summary: America starts a group chat and from its depths hell rises.Beware of dead memes, roasting and a plethora of cringe.





	1. It Begins

**Author's Note:**

> mcfap=america  
> tolcanadian=canada  
> lordarthur=england  
> guillotinedealer=france  
> putin_aintgay=russia  
> 4000yearsof_wanting2die=china  
> ger-a-dummkopf=germany  
> eatspaghetti=n. italy  
> urregretti=s. italy  
> japanu-chan= japan  
> pureawesome= prussia

mcfap: welcome errbody

 

_lordarthur has left the chat_

 

mcfap: did he just-

 

putin_aintgay: he pulled an american revolution on you, da?

 

putin_aintgay: cuz you left him

 

putin_aintgay: geddit

 

mcfap: fake news ass bitch

 

guillotinedealer: now now les enfants

 

guillotinedealer: we all know who’s the best at revolutions

 

japanu-chan: you?

 

guillotinedealer: oui oui indeedily dee

 

ger-a-dummkopf: stop

 

guillotinedealer: non

 

tolcanadian: c’mon papa that’s not nice

 

mcfap: shut up maple sucker

 

tolcanadian: what the hell alfie

 

mcfap: fiTE ME MAPLE BOI

 

tolcanadian: ur roasts are almost as weak as ur economy has been since 2008

 

urregretti: OH MY GOD

 

urregretti: MY RESPECT LEVELS FOR YOU JUST WENT UP A BILLION

 

pureawesome: lmao england is missing out on some good shit

 

mcfap: y’all are just big ol thots

 

pureawesome: w e a k lmao

 

mcfap: pure awesome?

 

mcfap: more like pure yucc™️

 

pureawesome: alright motherfucker

 

ger-a-dummkopf: brother please

 

pureawesome: you wanna go america?

 

pureawesome: cuz you can take ur attitude

 

pureawesome: and shove it up ur a s s

 

mcfap: boi i’ll Fight

 

4000yearsof_wanting2die: as much fun as it is watching you foul westerners roast each other like the pigs you are

 

4000yearsof_wanting2die: it is 4am over here and I s2g I will shank you motherfuckers if I don’t get some slep

 

mcfap: *sleep

 

4000yearsof_wanting2die: *slep you little bitch

 

eatspaghetti: wow okay so I’m just thinking

 

eatspaghetti: and I’m just throwing this out

 

eatspaghetti: but maybe we should let china sleep ve~?

 

mcfap: why’d ya do ur “ve~” thing over text?

 

eatspaghetti: cause I can

 

eatspaghetti: _v e ~_

 

guillotinedealer: yeah okay uh

 

guillotinedealer: I’m gonna go now

 

guillotinedealer: au revoir mon amis!

 

urregretti: k bye bastards

 

_lordarthur has been added back to chat by pureawesome_

 

lordarthur: what the bloody hell happened here

 

pureawesome: stuff

 

lordarthur: what an astonishing observation

 

lordarthur: thank you for enlightening me

 

pureawesome: wow chill

 

pureawesome: have I persuaded you to stay yet

 

lordarthur: ugh

 

lordarthur: fine

 

pureawesome: yay

 

pureawesome: >:)

 

lordarthur: you are utterly strange

 

pureawesome: thx

 

pureawesome: k bye

 

lordarthur: bye?

 

lordarthur:

 

lordarthur:

 

lordarthur: what in all hell did I just get myself into


	2. The Cringe Continues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yikes uh
> 
> welcome to chapter 2 my dudes
> 
> This fandom is so cringey and I'm only adding to the pain
> 
> e n j o y

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually going to hell
> 
> someone stop me

_mcfap has named the chat_ The Fapperz

 

lordarthur: i can only feel disgust

 

urregretti: big mood

 

mcfap: just try and stop me

 

_putin_aintgay has kicked mcfap from the chat_

 

pureawesome: i don't like you but in times like these i find myself grateful for your presence

 

putin_aintgay: ✧（＾し＾）✧

 

guillotinedealer: this is heartwarming

 

eatspaghetti: GERMANY I ACCIDENTALLY SHOVED DRY NOODLES UP MY ASS AND THEY BROKE OFF AND NOW THEY'RE  S T U C K

 

guillotinedealer: and the moment is gone

 

ger-a-dummkopf: please,  _please_ tell me he's kidding

 

urregretti: yeah uh

 

urregretti: he's not

 

ger-a-dummkopf: *sigh* i'll get the tongs

 

4000yearsof_wanting2die: I'm too old for this shit

 

pureawesome: ur too old for anything

 

4000yearsof_wanting2die: uR TOO DEAD TO STILL BE ALIVE

 

guillotinedealer: woAH

 

lordarthur: bLooDY hELL

 

putin_aintgay: comrade, please find your chill

 

urregretti: u know we don't bring that up bastard

 

4000yearsof_wanting2die: HE STARTED IT

 

ger-a-dummkopf: both of you

 

ger-a-dummkopf:  a p o l o g i z e 

 

pureawesome: >:( sorry

 

ger-a-dummkopf: good, now-

 

pureawesome: that ur sUCH A LITTLE BITCH

 

4000yearsof_wanting2die: THAT'S IT WESTENER

 

4000yearsof_wanting2die: I'M COMING FOR UR ASS

 

guillotinedealer: i bet 20 bucks that they're going to have angry sex

 

ger-a-dummkopf: do you have to make everything sexual

 

guillotinedealer: oui

 

japanu-chan: ...

 

japanu-chan: i'll take that bet

 

guillotinedealer: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

japanu-chan: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

lordarthur: stop it pervs

 

putin_aintgay: this chat has been a little, quiet, don't you agree 

 

lordarthur: yeah

 

lordarthur: where's the twat

 

tolcanadian: America's getting chased by a goose lol

 

urregretti: is he screaming like a little girl

 

tolcanadian: lmao yeah

 

tolcanadian: update: two seagulls have just joined the attack

 

lordarthur: where tf are you that has seagulls

 

tolcanadian: In BC

 

tolcanadian: updATE A MOOSE JUST ARRIVED I'M-

 

eatspaghetti: OH MY GOD WHAT

 

ger-a-dummkopf: IS HE OKAY

 

urregretti: LOL WHO CARES

 

lordarthur: ARE YOU SNAPPING THIS CANADA

 

tolcanadian: HELL YEAH I AM

 

guillotinedealer: THAT'S MY BOY

 

tolcanadian: ugh he out ran them

 

lordarthur: too bad

 

mcfap: hEY

 

putin_aintgay: hello mcbitch

 

pureawesome: watch out russia, ur getting on my good side

 

pureawesome: also japan owes france 20 bucks

 

urregretti: AHAHAHAHAH

 

guillotinedealer: I FUCKING CALLED IT

 

japanu-chan: I bet that Prussia bottomed tho

 

guillotinedealer: for how much

 

japanu-chan: 10 bucks whore-chan

 

guillotinedealer: ur on hermit

 

lordarthur: is this really the life we live

 

tolcanadian: terrifyingly enough, yes

 

4000yearsof_wanting2die: better hand that 10 over to Japan, France

 

mcfap: HOLY SHITTTTTT

 

putin_aintgay: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

guillotinedealer: MON AMI YOU FAILED ME

 

lordarthur: this has been too much internet for one day

 

 _pureawesome has changed the chat name to_ a bunch of backstabbing whores

 

urregretti: yeah that about sums us up

 

ger-a-dummkopf: alright now that everyone has had their fun

 

ger-a-dummkopf: do your fucking paper work idiots

 

eatspaghetti: BYE FRIENDS I LOVE YOU ALL

 

tolcanadian: he's so pure

 

tolcanadian: i love him

 

lordarthur: don't we all

 

lordarthur: ok bye you fools

 

putin_aintgay: bye

 

guillotinedealer: au revoir

 

4000yearsof_wanting2die: i'm gonna go conquer Prussia again

 

pureawesome: stOp tHAT diSReSPEcT

 

japanu-chan: sayonara a-holes

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the worst thing i've ever done
> 
> i've made a terrible mistake


	3. 69 Shades of Hella Gay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yikes it's me again
> 
> e n g o y d a c h a p t a

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> donemark=denmark  
> butterisbae=norway  
> supreme-IKEA-overlord=sweden  
> moimoimotherfuccs=finland  
> iceicebb=iceland

lordarthur: oi francis

  


guillotinedealer: what

  


lordarthur: ur a massive fuckin sket

  


guillotinedealer: casse toi u prissy bitch

  


lordarthur: thAT WAS FROM HAMILTON WASN'T IT U FUCKER

  


guillotinedealer: INDEED IT WAS

  


guillotinedealer: B L A C K  S H E E P  O F  E U R O P E

  


lordarthur: THAT'S  I T 

  


pureawesome: i'm so sorry to interrupt, really i am

  


pureawesome: but what the fuck is happening

  


lordarthur: FRANCE IS BEING A SKET THAT'S WHAT

  


tolcanadian: what's a sket? 

  


ger-a-dummkopf: i am not quite sure

  


eatspaghetti: come on guys why can't we just be nice to each other for once :(

  


urregretti: because this is who we are

  


urregretti: a bunch of assholes

  


putin_aintgay: where the fuck is america  


  


putin_aintgay: im gonna rip off his balls and feed them to him

  


japanu-chan:  _w hy ?? ?_

  


putin_aintgay: he's been sending me that godforsaken trumpet boy meme all day

  


putin_aintgay: and now i shall crush his lungs

  


tolcanadian: he's at his florida house

  


putin_aintgay: you'd sell out your own brother so quickly?

  


tolcanadian: he told me that hockey was stupid

  


tolcanadian: you are now massacaring for two  

  


lordarthur: wow okay

  


\---------------------------------------------------------

 __********************************************************************  


\---------------------------------------------------------

  


_donemark has created the chat_ the Nordicks  


  


supreme-IKEA-overlord: why

  


donemark: because

  


iceicebb: k

  


butterisbae: this is lame

  


donemark: yeah

  


donemark: fiNNY

  


moimoimotherfuccs: yeS DAN

  


donemark: PLEASE BLESS US WITH YOUR MUSIC SUGGESTIONS

  


moimoimotherfuccs: if you insist~

  


moimoimotherfuccs: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tq1TYDpsTm4

  


butterisbae: okay now things just got interesting

  


supreme-IKEA-overlord: what the hell

  


donemark: thanks fin! very soothing

  


moimoimotherfuccs: ikr (˵ ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°˵)ﾉ⌒♡*:･。.

  


iceicebb: i hope you all know that i'm sending all this to hong kong

  


donemark: cool beans

  


butterisbae: ur not cool

  


donemark: (´༎ຶ ͜ʖ ༎ຶ `)♡

  


  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love roasting my pure son denmark


	4. ...tulip tentacle porn??? really???

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the chapter title can speak for itself
> 
> engoy loserzzzzzzzzzzz

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tulipboi=the netherlands  
> wafflegorl=belgium  
> im-a-LUXury=luxembourg

mcfap: wasSUP FUCKERS

 

 

tolcanadian: wHy arE YOu oN mY PHonE

 

 

mcfap: fUCk yOU ThAT's wHy

 

 

lordarthur: but if he's on your phone how are you texting???

 

 

mcfap:  _ ~~o h  m y  g o d~~_ ~~~~

 

tolcanadian: no no, it was a vine reference england

 

 

lordarthur:  _o h_

 

 

mcfap: i need a way to get everyone online

 

 

tolcanadian: why?

 

 

mcfap: you'll see

 

 

mcfap: you'll all see

 

 

lordarthur: downton abbey is on so i could care less

 

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*********************************************************************************************

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 _wafflegorl has created the chat_ 2 bros 1 sis

 

 

im-a-LUXury: that's so cute bel 

 

 

wafflegorl: thx little bro ~ <3

 

 

im-a-LUXury: ~ <3

 

 

tulipboi: ...

 

 

tulipboi: ~<3

 

 

wafflegorl: AHHHHH THERE HE IS

 

 

wafflegorl: I LOVE YOU BOTH SM

 

 

im-a-LUXury: WE LOVE YOU TOO BEL

 

 

tulipboi: why are you guys screaming

 

 

wafflegorl: just cuz~

 

 

im-a-LUXury: HEY NED LOOK WHAT I FOUND ON PORNHUB

 

 

im-a-LUXury: http://pornhub.com/tulip-tentacle-porn/watch?v=tq1TYDpsTm4

 

 

tulipboi: ...

 

 

tulipboi: ur banished from this family lux

 

 

im-a-LUXury: COME ON NEDDDD

 

 

tulipboi: nope

 

 

tulipboi: it's final

 

 

tulipboi: u dug this hole for yourself

 

 

im-a-LUXury: DON'T BE MEANN :(

 

 

tulipboi: don't send people unsavoury porn then

 

 

im-a-LUXury: ...

 

 

im-a-LUXury: so what's ur definition of savoury porn 

 

 

tulipboi:     l     e     a     v     e

 

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------

**********************************************************************************

\---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

mcfap: ALRIGHTY EVERYONE

 

 

mcfap: I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

 

 

urregretti: i'm surprised you can even spell that

 

 

guillotinedealer: get on with it then amérique

 

 

mcfap: MAMA'S GOT THE NASTY JAM

 

 

4000yearsof_wanting2die: what on earth does that mean

 

 

mcfap: i'm one (1) sicc boi

 

 

lordarthur: you are atrocious

 

 

japanu-chan: how bad is it?

 

 

mcfap: just coughing and sneezing and a bit of a headache

 

 

putin_aintgay: it's your body attempting to repent for the sin that is capitalism by sacrificing itself to the only true god in this dreadful world, rasputin

 

 

mcfap: ...

 

 

lordarthur: ...

 

 

guillotinedealer: ...

 

 

urregretti: dOt doT dOt

 

 

4000yearsof_wanting2die: honestly i'm not even phased at this point

 

 

tolcanadian: weirder things have come out of america's mouth

 

 

mcfap: oh like what

 

 

tolcanadian: last night you demanded that i stop "plarping ur bees" whenever i tried to put on a movie

 

 

pureawesome: _wo w_

 

 

ger-a-dummkopf: this whole conversation physically pains me

 

 

eatspaghetti: aww it's okay il mio tesoro!

 

 

eatspaghetti: i'll make you some pasta so you can feel better okay?

 

 

pureawesome: WEST'S FACE IS MORE RED THAN ONE OF SPAIN'S TOMATOES

 

 

ger-a-dummkopf: nO IT'S NOT BROTHER

 

 

pureawesome: IS TOO HAHAHA

 

 

_ger-a-dummkopf has kicked mcfap, putin_aintgay, 4000yearsof_wanting2die, guillotinedealer, urregretti, and pureawesome from the chat_

 

 

tolcanadian: oh thank god

 

 

japanu-chan: you do realize we'll just have to add them back in eventually right? 

 

 

ger-a-dummkopf: i suppose

 

 

ger-a-dummkopf: but for now, just enjoy the silence

 

 

eatspaghetti: hey do u still want pasta

 

 

ger-a-dummkopf: you know what, sure, why not


	5. Jesus???

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> back at it again with the Sporadic Updates™️
> 
> sorry i haven't updated in a while, finals were a bitch and i've been basking in the pure joy that comes with Not Stressing Over Everything™️
> 
> also believe it or not, it takes a lot of thought to come up with this shit, so that's another reason why this took so long
> 
> so without further ado
> 
> e n g o y d a c h a p t a

lordarthur: i just drank 6 cups of chocolate milk and i'm not even close to stopping

 

guillotinedealer: i thought you were lactose intolerant???

 

lordarthur: i am. 

 

guillotinedealer: then why are you drinking so much chocolate milk??????????????????

 

lordarthur: i'm immortal. it's not like it could kill me

 

guillotinedealer: no, but it could make you violently sick

 

lordarthur: you know what i'm violently sick of

 

guillotinedealer: what

 

lordarthur: this conversation

 

lordarthur  _has left the chat_

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*********************************************************************************************

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

mcfap: I STAN JESUS

 

ger-a-dummkopf: you what now

 

mcfap: I   S T A N   J E S U S

 

eatspaghetti: did someone say

 

eatspaghetti:  _j e s u s_

 

4000yearsof_wantingtodie: and so it begins

 

urregretti: picture this: modern Jesus opens a wine shop. people flock from all over to see him turn water to wine, but all he does is stomp on grapes and dip his feet in the water

 

lordarthur: so modern!Jesus would be a full on shitposter

 

mcfap: but Jesus can walk on water??? so how can he dip his feet in??? smh ur headcanon makes no sense

 

urregretti: wrOGN YOU ARE  W R O N G!!1!!1 JESUS IS ABLE TO GO INTO RIVERS TO BAPTIZE PEOPLE SO OF COURSE HE CAN FUCKING DIP HIS FEET INTO WATER YOU UNEDUCATED SWINE!!!!!!!!!

 

mcfap: well damn

 

pureawesome: hey Jesus' disciples were in their twenties right? so in modern times, would they be in a frat house together?!?

 

ger-a-dummkopf: please don't do this

 

guillotinedealer: frAT BOY JESUS SUPPLIES THE FRAT HOUSE WITH ONLY THE FINEST OF WINES 

 

4000yearsof_wantingtodie: that were made with his feet?????

 

tolcanadian: i headcanon that he smites homophobes in his spare time

 

eatspaghetti: a wonderful addition 

 

lordarthur: i'm compiling a list of all our headcanons

 

mcfap: seriously???

 

lordarthur: uh yeah

 

mcfap: don't tell me that you're cool with this germy-boi

 

ger-a-dummkopf: well

 

ger-a-dummkopf: it is always better to be organized

 

ger-a-dummkopf: and for once we're all sort of getting along

 

ger-a-dummkopf: also don't call me germy-boi

 

mcfap: you know what? ur being one

 

pureawesome: hoe don't do it

 

mcfap:  _sauerkraut_

 

pureawesome:  _oh my godddd_

 

ger-a-dummkopf  _has kicked_ mcfap  _from the chat_

 

urregretti: good work potato eater

 

guillotinedealer: did you just compliment him, or am i going insane

 

urregretti: shut the Fucc Up

 

japanu-chan: ...

 

japanu-chan: well that was an experience to read

 

4000yearsof_wantingtodie: tell me about it

 

putin_aintgay: but could Jesus take on Rasputin, the one true God™️

 

urregretti  _has kicked_ putin_aintgay  _from the chat_

 

lordarthur: i like how these conversations always end with someone getting kicked

 

japanu-chan: it's a tradition at this point

 

eatspaghetti: one more thing before you all leave

 

eatspaghetti  _has named the chat_ The Jesus Fanclub

 

tolcanadian: that's gonna rustle America's jimmies

 

guillotinedealer: it's gonna what now

 

tolcanadian: nothing

 

tolcanadian: bye!

 

4000yearsof_wantingtodie: i will never understand the youth of today

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know absolutely nothing about lactose intolerance other than people who have it don't give a Singular Shit™️
> 
> i also have this headcanon that the Italy bros are like, The Jesus Fanclub, so yeah
> 
> i a l s o have a list of countries who i think are secretly memelords and i fully plan on incorporating it in here
> 
> i hope y'all engoyed this chapter!!!


	6. Chaos Incarnate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i have nothing to say for myself lmao

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pianoman=austria  
> prussians_dont_interact=hungary  
> tomatoboi=spain

mcfap: iggy 

 

mcfap: iggy 

 

mcfap: hey iggy 

 

mcfap: iggy azalea 

 

lordarthur: i'm going to release a flock of hellspawn into ur home if u ever call me that again 

 

lordarthur: now what do u want 

 

mcfap: can ur eyebrows move?? 

 

lordarthur: ... 

 

lordarthur: i beg your pardon? 

 

mcfap: can they,,,like move, yknow move around?? ?? 

 

japanu-chan: are you okay america 

 

mcfap: yenos 

 

tolcanadian: are you high bud? 

 

mcfap: NO I JUST HAVE VAL;ID CONCERMNS ABOUT ENGLAND'S BROWS 

 

4000yearsof_wanting2die: who slipped him drugs 

 

mcfap: say no 2 drugs and yes 2 Bin Weevils 

 

ger-a-dummkopf: what 

 

lordarthur: hi what the bloody fuck is Bin Weevils 

 

mcfap: the only thing keeping me alive 

 

 _mcfap has left the chat_  

 

urregretti: what a drama queen 

 

guillotinedealer: that's rich coming from you 

 

urregretti: the same can be said about u too mr dick flaunter 

 

guillotinedealer: i dO NOT FLAUNT MY DICK 

 

pureawesome: u kinda do 

 

guillotinedealer: shut ur 

 

guillotinedealer:      ** _H     E     C     K     I     N_**

 

guillotinedealer:  ** _M     O     U     T     H_**

 

eatspaghetti: can i get uuuuhhhh 

 

eatspaghetti:  **exorcist???**

 

4000yearsof_wanting2die: russia's been awfully quiet 

 

putin_aintgay: don't call me out like this 

 

putin_aintgay: also uh 

 

putin_aintgay: i may have slipped some non-toxic soap into america's apple juice 

 

ger-a-dummkopf: gdi russia 

 

putin_aintgay: HEY I SAID NON-TOXIC 

 

tolcanadian: i just 

 

lordarthur: w _o_ w 

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

******************************************************************************************************

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 _pianoman has created the chat_ Ex Spouses 

 

pianoman: welcome 

 

pianoman: you're the only people i can stand 

 

tomatoboi: aww, that's so sweet austria!! 

 

prussians_dont_interact: lmao

 

prussians_dont_interact: this is going to be great 

 

pianoman: please don't bully prussia too much 

 

tomatoboi: yeah, only gentle harassment

 

prussians_dont_interact: i make no promises 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UwU

**Author's Note:**

> Oof first chapter done and I’m already regretting everything I’ve ever done in life


End file.
